Tuesday, August 31, 2010


[Scene: A view of the WNYW television building in New York. The caption "Earth: 1999" appears on the bottom of the screen.]
[Cut to: WNYW Corridor. Fry hums as he walks through the corridor carrying a pizza box and a six pack of beer. He opens a door marked "WNYW Control Room". Next to the door an "On Air" sign is lit up.]
[Cut to: WNYW Control Room. He walks through the door. In the room is a technician surrounded by broadcasting equipment.]
Fry: Pizza delivery! Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh?
Technician: Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
Fry: What are you showing right now?
[The technician presses a button and a title appears on some screens.]
Technician: Single Female Lawyer. It's the season finale. Wanna watch?
Fry: Ah, I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programmes of the genre "world's blankiest blank".
Technician: She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt.
Fry: I'm in!
[He sits down and the technician tosses him a can of Löbrau. On the screen is a judge and the single female lawyer, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Calista Flockhart. In fact the entire show is pretty much Ally McBeal.]
Judge: [on TV] Counselor, I remind you that it's unethical to sleep with your client. If you really care about the outcome of the case, you should sleep with me.
Single Female Lawyer: [on TV] Your Honour, it's bad enough to proposition a single female lawyer in court, but this is a unisex bathroom.
Judge: [on TV] Overruled, counselor!
[He grabs her and they kiss. A cubicle door opens and a stenographer appears with a machine.]
Stenographer: [on TV] Could you repeat that last part?
[Fry yawns and stretches and knocks over a can of beer. The equipment fizzles, crackles and the screens turn to static.]
Technician: Oh, my God! You've knocked Fox of the air!
Fry: Pft! Like anyone on Earth cares.
[Scene: In a pullback sequence lifted from Contact the WNYW transmitter transmits the signal through the clouds, away from Earth, and out of the solar system to a planet called Omicron Persei 8 which intercepts the signal 1000 years later.]
[Cut to: Omicronian Living Room. Two huge green aliens, Lrrr and Nd-Nd, watch Single Female Lawyer on their small oval TV.]
Stenographer: [on TV] Could you repeat that last par--
[The picture cuts to static. Lrrr hits the TV with his fist.]
Lrrr: This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and her compellingly short garment.
[The static on the TV changes to the Fox logo.]
Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] Due to technical difficulties, we now bring you eight animated shows in a row.
[Lrrr growls and vaporises the TV with a laser.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Proudly Made On Earth.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender lie back on the couch. Fry holds a can of Slurm and Bender holds a can of beer. Enter Hermes.]
Hermes: What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boat bag!
[He rolls up the paper and hits Bender with it.]
Bender: Ow!
[Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]
Fry: Ow! Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
Hermes: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
Fry: That's the one.
Hermes: Hot damn, a day off!
[He takes off his jacket and shirt and sits between Fry and Bender. Bender hands him a beer. The rest of the staff walk in wearing and carrying various things. Zoidberg wears an old-fashioned green striped swimsuit and a lobster rubber ring around his waist; Amy wears a pink bikini and carries a fold-up chair; Leela wears her green swimsuit with the hole around the navel and carries a picnic bag; Farnsworth carries a red parasol and wears 3/4-length shorts, though he still wears his lab coat and slippers.]
Leela: Who's up for one last summer beach trip?
[Bender and Hermes leap up.]
Bender: Aw, yeah!
Hermes: Ready, Freddy!
[He unzips his trousers and they fall around his ankles revealing his swimming trunks underneath. Fry stays on the couch.]
Fry: [unenthusiastic] Eh, I think I'll just stay here.
Leela: Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world.
[She walks between him and the TV. Fry peers around her.]
Fry: But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world!
[Leela sighs.]
Leela: Everyone's too polite to say anything but you're covered with bed sores.
Fry: Not covered!
Leela: Just get in the car.
[Scene: Car. Leela drives the crew across the desert in a dark blue convertible. With her in the front are Farnsworth and Fry. Fry has taken off his red jacket and swapped it for red shorts. Amy, Hermes and Zoidberg sit in the back and Bender lies across the three of them.]
[Scene: Monument Beach Car Park. Leela parks in the packed car park and the crew get out.]
Farnsworth: Ah, here we are: Monument Beach!
[Fry gazes at the beach. People climb the Great Sphinx of Giza and alongside it is St. Peter's Tower, the White House, Randy's Donuts, many moai of Easter Island, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Mount Rushmore.]
Fry: Wait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower of Pisa? I didn't know they were both in New York!
[Leela unpacks some things from the boot.]
Leela: They are now. In the 2600's, New Yorkers elected a super-villain governor, and he stole most of the world's monuments.
Bender: Truly a great man. Look at him up there.
[He looks up at the super-villain and whistles. The governor's head has been carved into the mountain next to the other presidents' heads.]
[Scene: Monument Beach. Leela lies on a sunbed and picks up a tube of Tanning Butter from the arm. She squeezes some onto her legs and hums as she rubs it in. Zoidberg picks up a chunk of real butter and rubs it across his head and groans. Hermes walks across in front of Zoidberg, Amy and Leela with a metal detector. It beeps rapidly.]
Hermes: Aha! [He puts the metal detector down and digs in the sand.] Found you!
[Bender's head pops up from the sand.]
Bender: OK, now you go hide. [Hermes puts the trowel down and hands Bender the metal detector and runs off. Bender throws the metal detector away and chuckles.] Nice knowin' you.
[He runs to a sunbed, picks up a drink and closes his eyes.]
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Zoidberg versus Amy and Leela in a beach volleyball game. Amy passes to Leela and she hits it over the net. It hits Farnsworth on the head and knocks him over. He groans. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns and throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth stands up.]
Farnsworth: Come on, Zoidberg, I passed it right to you.
[Zoidberg scoffs.]
Zoidberg: I've had it with this game! I'm going for a scuttle!
[He crouches down and scuttles into the water.]
[Time Lapse. Leela is back on her sunbed and Bender is on his.]
Bender: OK, everyone, come and get it!
[He opens his door. He has turned his chest cabinet into a grill and there are four cooked burgers on a wire rack. He takes one out and puts it in a bun and hands it to Fry. Fry takes a bite.]
Fry: Ah, just like my dad used to make ... until McDonald's fired him.
Bender: Bite my red-hot glowing ass. [Smoke rises from behind him.] Wait a minute. Red-hot glowing ass? [He turns around and sees his red-hot glowing ass. He turns back to Fry.] [calmly] I'll be right back! [He gets up and runs into the sea, waving his arms around.] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [His ass sizzles in the cool water.] Aw, yeah!
[Amy, Leela and Fry eat their burgers while Farnsworth sleeps. Nibbler watches, licking his lips. Amy's burger slips out of the roll and onto her chest. Nibbler leaps up.]
Amy: No, Nibbler! [Nibbler runs off with the burger and her bikini top. She gasps and covers herself with the burger buns.] [whispering] Psst, Professor, I need another bikini.
[Farnsworth wakes up.]
Farnsworth: Eh ... wha? [He sees her.] Oh, oh, OK, I think there's one can left. [He reaches into a bag next to him and takes out a spray can and hands it to her. She sprays it over her making a brand new pink bikini.] Oh, my.
[She sprays the straps on her back and turns around.]
Amy: There. How do I look?
[Farnsworth wiggles his glasses.]
Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.
Amy: French?
[Time Lapse. Fry finishes sculpting a sandcastle. A blonde guy stands over him and kicks the sandcastle in his face. Leela gasps and Fry spits the sand out. The guy turns to Leela.]
Bully: Say, doll-face, how'd you like to make time with a real man?
Leela: No. I'm not attracted to bullies. No matter how big and ... [He flexes his muscles.] ... handsome they are.
Fry: It's OK, Leela, go ahead. I got a lot of work to do.
Bully: Uh, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her.
Leela: Fry! Although I suppose we could go for a walk along the beach.
Bully: Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay.
[He runs off and Leela sighs.]
[Scene: Seabed. Zoidberg scuttles around the water and happens upon a pile of eight fish skeletons. He starts slurping them.]
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. [A lobster pot traps him.] Help! Help! [He knocks on the trap. Bender wanders by, whistling.] Bender, you gotta spring me. I'll never survive in here; I'm too pretty!
Bender: Alright, alright, I'll bust you out. [He bends the bars and spotlights shine on the pair and alarms beep.] Cheese it!
[Then run off.]
[Scene: Monument Beach. Fry finishes reconstructing his sandcastle.]
Fry: Voila. The greatest sandcastle ever built. This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in, if he were a fiddler crab.
[Leela and Farnsworth gather round.]
Leela: It's very nice. We should get a picture before the tide comes in.
[Amy, Zoidberg and Bender arrive.]
Fry: Ooh, yeah. Anyone have a camera?
Bender: Right here, buddy. [His left eyelid covers his left eye and his right eye zooms out. The rest of the staff kneel next to the castle.] Wait, I wanna be in the picture too. [He takes his head off and puts it on the ground. He pushes his antenna down and it flashes like a timer. His body joins the staff.] Pretend you're happy.
[They smile.]
Zoidberg: Yay!
[Their smiles fade when a huge shadow creeps over them. The camera goes off as the crew look up and see a huge grey alien saucer flying low overhead. The centre of it starts to open up. Everyone watches as it stops above the White House. The middle opens up and it blows up the White House à la Independence Day. Everyone screams.]
Leela: Oh, my God!
[Hermes pokes his head up through the sand.]
Hermes: What in Babylon?
[People flee as a fleet of saucers reduce the monuments to rubble and knock over the Leaning Tower of Pisa. A smaller saucer flies past the staff and destroys Fry's sandcastle. Fry falls to his knees and scoops up the sand.]
Fry: [screaming] Nooo!
[Scene: Car. The crew return to New New York with alien saucers chasing them.]
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The car does a 180-degree skid outside the building and the crew run inside.]
Hermes: Faster!
[A saucer blows up the car.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry peeps through the blinds and turns to the others.]
Fry: We're all gonna die, aren't we?
Farnsworth: Oh, I should think so. Although last time aliens invaded all they did was force the most intelligent of us to pair off and mate continuously. [chuffed] Oh, yes!
[He sprays his throat. Bender turns on the TV to the news. Linda presents with a smile.]
Linda: [on TV] Once again, today's winning lotto number was 4. In other news, alien saucers continue to rain destruction upon Earth. We now go live to an emergency address by Earth President McNeal.
[A picture in the corner fills the screen. McNeal, a middle-aged man with brown hair and a croaky voice, addresses people from different nations. A "President McNeal" caption is on the bottom of the screen.]
McNeal: [on TV] Ladies and gentlemen, our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot. Give our alien masters whatever they want a--
[The TV cuts to static briefly then changes to Lrrr. His is now wearing a big red cape and is surrounded by several other Omicronians. He speaks into an old-fashioned microphone.]
Lrrr: [on TV] People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. [He taps the mic and turns to his aides.] Is this thing on? [He blows into it and turns back to the camera.] Now then: We want the one you call "McNeal". Give us McNeal or we will lay waste to your cities with our anti-monument laser. We demand McNeal!
[The picture cuts out then back to a totally flabbergasted McNeal.]
McNeal: [on TV] Uh, as I was saying ... [He clears his throat.] ... mankind would sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous alien demands for this McNeal ... whoever he is. Am I right? [The representatives murmur to each other.] And now, the man who will lead us in our proud struggle for freedom, fresh from his bloody triumph over the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, 25-star General Zapp Brannigan!
[He steps aside and Zapp takes the podium. The people cheer and applaud.]
Man: [cheering; on TV] Yeah!
[Fry applauds and Leela groans.]
Bender: Hey, look, Leela, it's that idiotic windbag you slept with.
Leela: The Earth is under attack. Can't we just forget about that?
Bender: Evidently not.
Zapp: [on TV] Call me cocky, but if there's an alien out there I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go it alone. [He looks into the camera.] That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air.
[Leela stands up.]
Leela: Well, you heard the windbag: We've been drafted. Everyone into the ship.
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I refuse to fight. I'm a conscientious objector.
Fry: A what?
Bender: You know, a coward.
Zapp: [on TV] Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated.
[He holds up a remote control, points it at the camera and presses the button. Bender's antenna top flashes red and beeps and he stands up.]
Bender: It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity. [His antenna stops flashing.] Oh, crap!
[Scene: A fleet of ships, including a yellow school bus and the Planet Express ship, fly away from Earth towards the hangar bay of the orbiting Nimbus.]
[Scene: Nimbus Hangar Bay. The ships are moored and Zapp gives the assembled recruits a briefing. He walks down the ranks with Kif at his side.]
Zapp: We're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white, some of you are black. [He stops by a man and points at him.] You're brown. [He moves on to Bender.] And you're silver. But I don't care if your skin's red or tan or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together. [He looks back at Bender.] Am I right, soldier?
Bender: Well, actually, I-- [Zapp presses the remote again and Bender's antenna flashes and beeps.] Sir, yes, sir! Sir!
Zapp: Remember, our mission is simple: Destroy all aliens!
[Kif raises his hand.]
Kif: Um, uh, not me, sir.
Zapp: Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif. [quietly] Unless you have to. [He sees Leela.] [talking] Oh, ho, ho! The luscious Captain Leela. [He starts rubbing his hands.] This is turning into one very sex-ay struggle for the future of the human race!
Leela: Thanks, but I'm not technically human.
Zapp: Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela either.
[Scene: Nimbus Crew Bunkroom. The recruits are assembled around the beds.]
Zapp: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made bed. You will practise until you can make your bed in your sleep.
Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
Zapp: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier. Not with all the bed-making you'll be doing.
[Scene: Nimbus Briefing Room. The recruits are dressed in DOOP uniforms and Zapp briefs them à la the briefing in Star Wars. He points at a display of an Omicronian saucer.]
Zapp: The alien mothership is in orbit here. If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. [Kif sighs and turns to a computer.] Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command, all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
[Fry raises his hand.]
Fry: W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a--
[Bender starts to choke him à la Homer Simpson to Bart in The Simpsons. His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry and salutes.]
Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission. [His antenna stops flashing and he bangs his head with his knuckles.] Aw, cut it out!
Zapp: You're a brave robot, son. But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission. Which reminds me. [He walks over to where Leela is sitting and puts his foot on the seat next to her. She folds her arms and isn't impressed.] Leela, perhaps before we head into battle you'd like to make love to me, in case one of us doesn't come back.
Leela: Maybe we should wait till afterwards, in case neither of us comes back.
Zapp: Here's hoping.
[He salutes by tapping his heart, saluting from his head and blowing a kiss.]
[Scene: The fleet flies around the moon towards the Omicronian mothership à la the X-Wing approach in Star Wars.]
[Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry mans the controls and wears a helmet that looks like Luke Skywalker's.]
Fry: I'm gonna be a science-fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway, or Xena!
Leela: [on screen] Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?
Fry: Sure, I just like TV better.
[He makes gunfire noises.]
[Scene: The fleet attacks. Lasers fly in the Star Wars-esque battle. The Omicronians fire back on the fleet and blows up two ships flanking the Planet Express ship. It peels away, narrowly avoiding another laser beam.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela wrestles with the controls as alarms beep and smoke pours from the ceiling. She brushes the hair out of her eye and looks across the room.]
Leela: Bender, damage report.
Bender: The auxiliary power's out, and they spilled my cocktail.
[He looks at the tipped over glass lying on the computer and the olive rolls off the edge.]
[Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry narrows his eyes.]
Fry: Alright, scumwads. This one's for Bender's cocktail!
[Scene: The Planet Express ship flies straight towards the saucer and Fry lets rip with 12 blasts from the laser. Leela turns the ship away and the Omicronian saucer creaks, groans and finally explodes in a spectacular fireball, complete with the obligatory flying tyre.]
[Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry looks back at the explosion and cheers.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela stands up and waves her arms around.]
Leela: We did it! We won!
Bender: [sadly] Yeah, but it'll never bring back my martini. [He opens his chest cabinet.] [normal] Well, who wants a martini?
[He takes a cocktail mixer out and shakes it.]
[Time Lapse. Fry, Leela and Bender chink their glasses and raise a toast. The communication screen comes down from the ceiling.]
Zapp: [on screen] Good work, everyone. The mothership is destroyed.
[Through the window they see several white dots filling the starfield.]
[Scene: The dots form a circular shape outside and it flips over, revealing it to be another Omicronian saucer that is so huge it dwarfs the Nimbus.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Briefing Room.]
Zapp: What the hell is that thing?
Kif: It appears to be the mothership.
Zapp: Then what did we just blow up?
[Kif checks the screen beside him.]
Kif: The Hubble Telescope.
[Scene: The battle continues. The real mothership destroys more ships and a Slurm lorry.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp and Kif watch the battle on screen.]
Zapp: [shouting] Stop exploding, you cowards!
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela drops her martini glass.]
Leela: This is hopeless. [She runs to the pilot's seat and sits down.] If we're gonna get blown to bits, we might as well do it in the comfort of our own home.
[She pulls a lever on the seat.]
[Scene: The ship jerks to a stop and reverses back towards Earth.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Farnsworth talks to a woman, a man and a robot who bear a striking resemblance to Leela, Fry and Bender. The woman is blonde and has two eyes; the man has brown hair that is combed down and he wears a green jacket; the robot is very crude and clunky.]
Farnsworth: You'll be the captain, you'll be the delivery boy, and you'll be the alcoholic, foul-mouthed-- [The door behind him opens and the real crew walk in.] Oh, God, you're alive. I mean, thank God you're alive! [He turns back to the others.] Sorry, check back in three days, a week at the most.
[They leave and Lrrr crackles onto the TV.]
Lrrr: [on TV] We want McNeal! Stop stalling!
[The scene changes to the news studio.]
Linda: [on TV] And now a rebuttal from President McNeal.
[McNeal addresses the same people as before. Zapp is back with them.]
McNeal: [on TV] The people of Earth remain united in my refusal to hand over myself. Total annihilation is a small price to pay compared with--
[Zapp steps forward and puts a sack over McNeal. As he drags him away the people applaud and a man kicks the sack.]
[Scene: Outside Capitol Building. An Omicronian saucer is parked at the back of the building and there is a door at ground level. Zapp puts the sack down, knocks and runs a few feet back.]
Zapp: [shouting] Here he is! Come and get him!
[The door slides up, revealing Lrrr and Nd-Nd. McNeal wriggles out of the sack and gasps.]
Lrrr: You are not McNeal.
Zapp: [simultaneous] Huh?
McNeal: [simultaneous] Huh?
Nd-Nd: You are not the one we want.
McNeal: [grovelling] Oh, thank you. Thank you, glorious masters! I--
[Lrrr whips out a laser and vaporises McNeal. He crumbles into a pile of smoking dust. Zapp squeals and takes a step back.]
Lrrr: Give us McNeal!
Zapp: That was McNeal.
Nd-Nd: No, McNeal, the single female lawyer.
Lrrr: She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous.
[Zapp rubs his chin.]
Zapp: [sexfully] Really?
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch on TV.]
Fry: Miniskirts? That sounds familiar.
[Cut to: Outside Capitol Building.]
Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.
Zapp: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.
Lrrr: [shouting] Silence! [talking] We will accept no more decoys. [He holds up a headshot of the single female lawyer.] This is the McNeal.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry stares at the headshot.]
Fry: Wait, I know her.
Leela: You do not, you big fat liar. You don't know anyone. All you do is watch TV.
Fry: That's where I know her from. She's Jenny McNeal. She was a character on a TV show back in the 20th century, Single Female Lawyer.
Bender: Well if they're hoping to see a TV show that hasn't existed for a thousand years, pft, they are royally boned.
Lrrr: [on TV] We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day, for five days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow -- 8 central!
[The staff gasp.]
Farnsworth: [disappointed] I'm beginning to think there'll be no forced mating at all.
[Scene: Lrrr and Nd-Nd's saucer hovers above New New York.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The entire staff are assembled around the table. Leela paces around.]
Leela: They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see some stupid TV show about some bimbo lawyer?
Fry: It's crazy! How could they even know about a show from a thousand years ago?
Farnsworth: Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand light years away. So the electro-magnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see--
Fry: Magic. Got it.
[Amy types "single female lawyer" into a search engine and a page pops up.]
Amy: Check this out: Back in 1999 the season finale of Single Female Lawyer was interrupted by technical problems. Apparently some zidiot spilled Coke on the transmitter.
Fry: Beer-- I would think.
Bender: They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.
[Amy searches some more.]
Amy: There aren't any copies left.
Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus.
Fry: Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode. If I could make up an ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves.
Zoidberg: I could make the costumes.
[He cuts some material with his claw.]
Farnsworth: I have an old five-megawatt broadcasting tower in the attic.
Bender: [dramatically] And I, I could be an acting coach!
[He whizzes his hand around.]
Fry: Let's put on a show.
[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. The ship has been moved to make way for a courtroom set. Hermes and Farnsworth makes some last-minute perfections to the set, Bender arranges things on the defendant's table and Zoidberg wheels a rail loaded with frilly clothes past Fry, Leela and Amy. Fry sits on a chair with the script.]
Fry: OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny--
Leela: Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays.
Amy: Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.
Leela: Gimme the script.
[She snatches it from Fry.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Roof. Farnsworth leans through a hatch and hooks up a satellite dish and points it at the nearby saucer.]
[Cut to: Outside Omicronian Saucer. Lrrr climbs a ladder up to the roof and jabs an aerial into it.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. On the courtroom set Fry calls for his cast.]
Fry: Places, everyone.
[Amy puts the finishing touches to Leela's make-up. She is dressed in a green suit and high heels.]
Amy: OK ... all set!
[Leela turns around. Amy has attached a googly eye to the side of Leela's face. She flicks the pupil and it rolls around.]
Fry: Lights! [Bender opens his chest cabinet and a bright studio light shines from it.] Camera one! [Bender's right eye extends and whirrs.] Camera two! [Bender's left eye extends and whirrs.] Camera three!
[Something whirrs in Bender's head but nothing else moves.]
[Scene: Omicronian Saucer. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit in recliners in front of a TV screen with six other Omicronians sat around them.]
Lrrr: Prepare the water cooler, that we may gather around it later and discuss things.
[He pulls the recliner lever and flicks the TV on. Bender holds up a crude sign with "Single Female Lawyer" written on it and sings.]
Bender: [singing; on TV] Single Female Lawyer,
Fighting for her client,
[He swaps the sign to one that says "Written and Directed by Fry".]
Wearing sexy miniskirts,
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]
Bender: [singing] And being self-reliant.
(talking) Hey, I'm pretty good!
[He takes the sign away and the episode begins. Farnsworth is the judge, Zoidberg is the prosecutor and Leela is the defendant. Farnsworth and Leela hold their scripts.]
Farnsworth: Uh ... [reading] ... Jenny McNeal, you are charged with jury-tampering in last week's case ... [At the side of the set Fry watches on a TV screen that Bender is hooked up to. Bender scratches himself.] ... on account of your hot, naked affair with the foreman. How do you plead?
[Leela stands up and looks at her script.]
Leela: [reading] Your Honour, I move for a mistrial, on the grounds that I'm also having a hot, naked affair with the foreman of this jury.
[Amy and Hermes sit in the jury box with ten cardboard people. Hermes waves.]
Hermes: [sexfully] I'll see you during the recess!
[Cut to: Omicronian Saucer.]
Lrrr: If McNeal wishes to be taken seriously why does she not simply tear the judge's head off?
Nd-Nd: It is true what they say; "Women are from Omicron Persei 7, men are from Omicron Persei 9".
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]
Farnsworth: [reading] Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.
Zoidberg: Gracias. [He stands up with his script behind him and walks over to the witness box where Leela is sat.] Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August 23rd?
Leela: Sleeping with you.
Zoidberg: Aha!
[He jabs his claw in her fake eye and pulls it off her face. He sniffs it and eats it. Leela leafs through the script in a panic.]
Leela: Uh, g-- uh, getting back to the, uh, matter, uh-uh, if it please the court... [whispering] Fry, there's nothing else here. You only wrote two pages of dialogue.
Fry: Well, it took an hour to write. I thought it would take an hour to read.
[Leela sighs.]
Leela: What are we supposed to do now?
Fry: I don't know, I don't know. Just say anything. As long as it's compelling, mesmerising, a tour de force.
Leela: Uh...
Farnsworth: [reading] What say you, Single Female Lawyer?
Leela: I say ... I'm giving up the law. [She stands up.] And I'm giving up being single. Your Honour, will you marry me?
[Amy and Hermes gasp. Bender makes dramatic incidental music noises. Fry buries his face in his hands.]
Fry: No, no! Go to commercial!
[Bender puts the Single Female Lawyer card in front of the camera.]
Bender: We'll be back after this word from Crazy Bender's Discount Stereo.
[He retracts his eye.]
Fry: Married? Jenny can't get married.
Leela: Why not? It's clever, it's unexpected.
Fry: But that's not why people watch TV. Clever things make people feel stupid, and unexpected things make them feel scared.
[Lrrr crackles onto the screen.]
Lrrr: [on TV] : Attention, McNeal. Your unexpected marriage plan scares us. You stole our hearts as a single female lawyer, and so shall you remain -- or else!
Fry: You see? TV audiences don't want anything original. They wanna see the same thing they've seen a thousand times before.
Bender: [à la Arnold Jackson] Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Fry?
Fry: Trust me on this. While other people were out living their lives, I wasted mine watching TV, because deep down I knew it might one day help me save the world. Plus, I would have lost my Workman's Comp if I had gone outside. Now just read these cue cards.
[He scrawls something on some big cards with a black marker.]
[Time Lapse. The cast take their places. Fry holds up the cue cards.]
Fry: And action!
Farnsworth: [reading] Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I must decline your offer of marriage. For, you see, I'm dying. Cough, then fall over dead.
[He smiles and just stares ahead.]
Zoidberg: [reading; unmoved] My God, he's dead.
[Farnsworth checks his pulse.]
Leela: [reading] I will now make my closing statement. With my fiancé deceased ... [Farnsworth smiles weakly.] ... I hereby return to my single female lawyer career. No matter what any man says.
Hermes: We find the defendant vulnerable yet spunky!
Zoidberg: [cheering] Hooray!
Amy: [cheering] Hooray!
Fry: And ... cut!
Bender: [singing] Single Female Lawyer,
Having lot's of sex--
(talking) Huh?
[Lrrr cuts onto the TV. Nd-Nd drinks from the water cooler behind him.]
Lrrr: [on TV] Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+, OK, not great. [Nd-Nd sees she is in the shot and runs offscreen.] As a result, we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality.
Fry: Way to overact ,Zoidberg!
Lrrr: [on TV] And now we must return to our planet, to catch the end of a thousand-year-old Leno monologue.
[He sweeps his cape over him and runs offscreen.]
[Cut to: New New York City Street. The Omicronian saucers fly away and people come out from hiding. A white man hugs a black man, a Jew hugs an Arab and a clown hugs a nun.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch and cheer.]
Bender: You did it, Fry!
Fry: Yep. [He turns the TV on, sits down on the couch and puts his feet up on the table.] It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: At the end of the episode, everything's always right back to normal.
[A pullback reveals New New York is a burning ruin. There is a crashed ship in the river and the flaming arm of the Statue of Liberty crumbles away.]
[Closing Credits.]

special delivery

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender, Fry and Leela sit around the table. Bender has a bottle of Löbrau. Fry has a can of Slurm and isn't wearing his jacket. Enter Farnsworth with a large crate on a hover trolley.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. [He presses a button on the trolley and it lowers itself to the floor.] We've got a very special delivery today.
Fry: Who's it going to?
Farnsworth: Me.
[Bender dusts off his hands.]
Bender: Another job well done.
Farnsworth: No, I need it shipped to my office at Mars University. [He strokes the crate.] It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize.
Leela: In what field?
Farnsworth: I don't care, they all pay the same.
[Fry stands next to the box.]
Fry: Is it dangerous?
Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. [Fry kicks the box and the thing inside starts growling and shaking the box. Fry runs and hides behind Leela. Farnsworth pulls a tranquiliser gun out of nowhere and loads a tranquiliser dart into it. He pokes the gun through a hole in the crate and shoots whatever is inside. It whimpers and the shaking and growling stops.] Off we go!
[Opening Credits. There is a remixed version of the normal theme. Caption: Transmitido en Martian en SAP.]
[Scene: The Planet Express ship flies towards Mars.]
[Scene: Mars University Campus. The ship flies over a sign reading "Mars University. Knowledge Brings Fear" and lands in an empty space on the campus grounds.]
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth takes Fry, Leela and Bender on a tour of the university grounds. They walk past a statue of a big-skulled Martian with octopus-like tentacles wielding a laser gun on horseback.]
Fry: Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, uh, much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable, when the university was founded in 2636.
Leela: They planted traditional college foliage; ivy, trees, hemp. Soon the whole planet was terraformed.
Fry: Does that mean it's safe to breathe the air?
Farnsworth: Of course.
[Fry takes some huge breaths.]
[Scene: Outside Wong Library. The building is quite big, with "Socrates | Vos Savant | Cognitron" written across the top.]
Farnsworth: Over here is Wong Library. It has the largest collection of literature in the Western Universe.
[Fry peers through the glass.]
[Cut to: Mars University: Wong Library. The building is empty, save for a single table in the middle of the room with two discs labelled "Fiction" and "Non-Fiction" propped up on it. Fry whistles, impressed.]
[Cut to: Outside Wong Library.]
Bender: [pointing] Hey, look! There's a chapter of my old robot fraternity, Epsilon Rho Rho.
[He points to a beaten up frat house with a neon "ERR" sign atop it. There is a smashed-up car, some kegs, a cable spool being used as a table, some kegs, some dustbins, some kegs, some upturned chairs and some kegs around it.]
Leela: You went to college?
Bender: Of course. I'm a bender, I went to Bending College. I majored in Bending.
Fry: What was your minor?
Bender: Robo-American Studies.
[Scene: Outside Epsilon Rho Rho House. Bender knocks on the door and a dorky fratbot answers it.]
Fratbot #1: Are you here to fumigate the moose head?
Bender: Uh, no, actually I'm an Epsilon from way back.
[They both to a crazy handshake full of tugs, whizzes and the creation of cosmic clouds.]
Fratbot #1: Eh, close enough. C'mon in.
Bender: Thanks. Here's your finger back.
[The fratbot takes it and Bender and the crew follow him in.]
[Cut to: Epsilon Rho Rho House. The place is a mess.]
Bender: All the coolest robots are in this fraternity.
[In another room two other fratbots sit at a table with a chessboard. The room is a mess, littered with empty pizza boxes, cans and books. A sock hangs over the moose head and there is a dartboard hanging on a door with darts jabbed in the wall around it. There is a pin-up of a Fembot and a Löbrau poster with a human woman on it on another wall. One of the other fratbots looks like he has glasses painted onto his face and the other one is very fat. The glasses one looks at the chessboard. The game hasn't begun.]
Fratbot #2: Mate in 143 moves.
Fratbot #3: Oh, pooh. You win again!
Bender: Uh-oh, nerds!
Fratbot #1: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Gearshift, chapter president. This is Oily, and this here is Fatbot.
Bender: You're all losers. My name's Bender.
[The fratbots gasp.]
Oily: Bender from Bending State Bender? Wow, you're a legend around here!
Fatbot: I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth.
Bender: [modest] Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children. Anyway I should get going.
[Leela comes down the stairs.]
Gearshift: No, Bender, wait. We're the lamest frat on campus. Even Hillel has better parties than us. Please, you've gotta stay and teach us how to be cool.
Bender: Hmm, OK. But I'll need 10 kegs of beer, a continuous tape of Louie Louie and a regulation two-storey panty-raid ladder.
[Fatbot wiggles his fingers with excitement.]
Fatbot: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
[Scene: Mars University Campus. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth continue the tour.]
Fry: I tell you, being here really takes me back to my college days.
[Flashback. At Coney Island, there is a "Snake Boy" stall and a water balloon stall where winners get a Bart and Homer Simpson doll. Fry stands by a Coney Island Community College booth. A buck-toothed man leans through a window wearing a gown and hat.]
Man #1: Step right up. Who wants to learn physics?
[Fry shrugs and walks in.]
Man #2: [from inside] Keep your hands inside the car at all times.
[Flashback ends.]
Fry: Good old Coney Island College! Go, Whitefish!
Leela: Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated type.
Fry: Oh, yeah? [He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket with "Notice of Failure to Graduate" written on it. The CICC logo is a Ferris wheel.] Read it and weep. I'm a certified college dropout.
Leela: Please! Everyone knows 20th century colleges were basically expensive daycare centres.
Farnsworth: That's true. By current academic standards, you're merely a high school dropout.
Fry: What? That's not fair. I deserve the same respect any other college dropout gets. By God, I'm gonna enroll here at Mars University and drop out all over again!
Leela: You won't last two weeks.
Fry: Aww, thanks for believing in me.
[Scene: Mars University Student Registration. A few people queue up in front of the enrolment tables for A-L and M-Y. Several aliens queue at Z. Fry joins the A-L line and leafs through a course catalogue. Amy wanders up behind him.]
Amy: Yo, classmate. What you takin'?
Fry: Oh, I don't know. [Farnsworth walks past with his crate on a hover trolley.] Hey, Professor, what are you teaching this semester?
Farnsworth: Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.
Fry: [writing] Mathematics of wanton burrito meals. [He points his pencil at Farnsworth.] I'll be there!
Farnsworth: Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach; I'm a professor!
Fry: See you in class!
[Farnsworth grumbles as he walks off with his crate.]
Farnsworth: Oh!
[Scene: Mars University Campus. At night, Bender runs around the Martian statue and checks the coast is clear. He beckons to the fratbots and they run across the campus with a ladder. They lean it up against the side of a building and climb on. The ladder lifts them up to a window and they giggle as they peer through.]
Fatbot: This is gonna be great!
[Cut to: Sorority House. Sexy blondes pillow fight in their slinky underwear, another takes her towel off and steps into the shower and another takes a haiband out of her hair and starts typing on a Mac. The robots stare towards her chest then suddenly stare at the Mac.]
Bender: [from outside] Bingo!
Fatbot: [from outside] Oh, mama!
[Gearshift wolf whistles. The Mac fizzles and suddenly goes off.]
Bender: [from outside] Oh, yeah! Someone's been a bad computer! [The girl takes the front of the Mac revealing the circuits inside. The fratbots gasp.] Get a load of that!
[He zooms in and his eyes start to push him away from the glass.]
[Cut to: Mars University Campus. The ladder tips back and it and the fratbots crash into a building. Some guys wearing blue blazers and smoking pipes run out of Snooty House. The first, Meiderneyer, has brown hair and the second one, Chet, is blonde.]
Meiderneyer: I say, you've damaged our servants' quarters ... and our servants.
Chet: This time Robot House has gone too far.
Bender: Cheese it!
[They run off, screaming.]
Fatbot: [screaming] They're gonna catch us!
[Scene: Financial Aid Dorm: Fry's Room. Fry looks around his new abode.]
Fry: Hey, pretty nice for a single. Two desks, two chairs, a couple of beds. [There is a knock at the door.] A woodpecker.
Leela: I think that's probably your roommate.
Fry: Oh, right, cool. [shouting] C'mon in, roomie! [He opens the door but there is no one there. He looks down and sees a monkey wearing a bowler hat and carrying two cases.] [talking] What the--?
Monkey: I call top bunk!
[It climbs over Fry onto the top bunk. Fry spits and the monkey sighs.]
[Time Lapse. The monkey hums as it empties it's case. It takes out a toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush and a hairdryer.]
Fry: My roommate's a monkey?
Monkey: [sarcastic] Brilliant deduction, you're a credit to your species.
[Enter Farnsworth pushing the empty crate.]
Farnsworth: Ah, Fry, I see you've met Guenter!
Fry: You know each other?
Farnsworth: Guenter is my experiment. He was the top secret contents of this stinking crate.
[He lowers the crate and pats it.]
Guenter: I'd rather live in a crate than share a room with this dork.
Leela: So what makes Guenter talk?
Fry: Is he genetically engineered?
Farnsworth: Oh, please! That's preposterous science-fiction mumbo-jumbo. Guenter's intelligence actually lies in his electronium hat which harnesses the power of sunspots to produce cognitive radiation.
[Fry scratches his head in confusion. Guenter scoffs.]
Guenter: You're wasting your breath, Professor. He'll never understand a word of it.
Fry: I understood the word "hat"!
[He reaches for the hat and Guenter leaps back.]
Farnsworth: Please, stop bickering. I arranged that you be roommates for a reason: So I'd only have to remember one phone number. Now shake hands and make up.
[They reluctantly do. Fry holds up a banana.]
Fry: You want a banana?
Guenter: I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavoured energy bars made from tofu.
[Fry narrows his eyes.]
Fry: I don't like you.
[Scene: Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. The teacher scrawls "20th Century History" on the blackboard with a piece of chalk and presses a button which converts it to clean text. Guenter is sat to the left of Fry and Amy two seats left. Fry chuckles.]
Fry: This is gonna be a cakewalk!
Teacher: Welcome to the history of the 20th century. Look to your left, then to your right. Then in nine other directions. One of the 12 of you will not pass this class.
Amy: Boring. [She leans over to Guenter.] Let's hear about Walter Mondale already!
Teacher: Be forewarned: The only sure way to get an A in this class is to have lived in the 20th century.
Fry: Swish!
[He swishes his hands. The teacher presses a button in front of him marked "Fry" and Fry gets electrocuted.]
Teacher: You were saying, Mr. Fry?
Fry: I'm from the 20th century. Go ahead, ask me anything.
Teacher: Very well. What device invented in the 20th century allowed people to view broadcast programmes in their own homes?
Fry: Ooh ... I know this ... whatyya call it? Lite Brite!
[The teacher electrocutes him again. Guenter laughs and points his pencil in the air.]
Guenter: I believe the answer is the television.
Teacher: Very good, Mr. ... [He checks his list.] ... Guenter.
Amy: [impressed] Wow! Smart and cute!
[She ruffles Guenter's fur. Guenter smiles cockily at Fry.]
[Scene: Mars University: Mentholyptus Hall. Dean Vernon sits in his office at his desk carefully adjusting parts of a model spaceship with old-fashioned sails. He is a middle-aged man and wears a brown suit and black thick-rimmed glasses.]
Vernon: What I love about being dean of students is the peace and quiet and the respect I receive. [The phone rings.] Now what's all this about?
[He puts it on speaker-phone.]
Woman: [on phone] Dean Vernon, the students from Robot House are here.
[Vernon takes off his glasses.]
Vernon: Robot House!
[Enter Bender and the other fratbots.]
Bender: Hey, dean, nice looking model.
[Vernon quickly pulls it back from the edge of the desk.]
Vernon: You keep away from it. You robots are a disgrace to this university. Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Whenever a human corpse is desecrated--
Bender: Now, I can explain that.
Vernon: That's enough out of you. From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatupple-secret probation!
[The robots gasp.]
Bender: No fair!
Fatbot: My mom is gonna kill me!
[Vernon puts his glasses back on.]
Vernon: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the one thing that's kept me sane these past eight years: My model ship.
[He looks down. The ship isn't on his desk. His jaw drops when he sees Fatbot eating it.]
Gearshift: Fatbot! No!
Fatbot: When I get nervous I get hungry.
[Vernon grits his teeth.]
Bender: Cheese it!
[Cut to: Mars University: Outside Mentholyptus Hall. The robots burst through the doors, run down the steps and away.]
Vernon: [shouting; from inside] Robot House!
[Scene: Cafe. Fry sits with a brown-haired girl wearing an orange MU top and reading an English 101 book. Fry has a tray in front of him with a burger, two bananas and some crackers on it.]
Fry: So, Chrissy, we seem to be hitting it off. If you're not doing anything later might I escort you to a kegger?
Chrissy: Not even if you were the last man on Mars.
[She slams the book shut, gets up and leaves. Fry watches.]
[Cut to: Outside Cafe. Fry watches Chrissy through the window as she writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Guenter. She giggles, chews her pencil bashfully and leaves. Fry watches her, dumbstruck. Guenter raps on the window and gets Fry's attention.]
Guenter: [shouting] Hey! You like bananas?
[Cut to: Cafe. Guenter slaps the piece of paper onto the window.]
Guenter: [shouting; from outside] I got her number. How do you like them bananas?
[He walks off and Fry growls.]
[Scene: Mars University: Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields Lecture Hall. Farnsworth has drawn a diagram and some algebra on the blackboard under the heading "Today's Lesson: WD or 'Witten's Dog'".]
Farnsworth: And therefore, by process of elimination, the electron must taste like grapeade.
[He turns around to his class ... who aren't there. The door opens and Fry walks in.]
Fry: Sorry, I overslept.
Farnsworth: Until 5pm?
Fry: It's that obnoxious monkey. He kept me up all night with his constant thinking. Just thinking and thinking. He's trying to make me look like an idiot.
Farnsworth: Don't be jealous. Without his special hat, Guenter might be no more intelligent than you.
[Fry sighs.]
Fry: I hate that rodent!
Farnsworth: Fry, that monkey is my most important experiment. If you two don't stop fighting I'll have you both neutered.
[Fry chuckles.]
Fry: That'll show him.
[Scene: Mars University Parent's Reception. A string quartet plays in the corner of the room near a portrait of Vernon holding his model ship. The room is well-decorated, with bookshelves lined with old books, chandeliers and large armchairs. Guests include the boys from Snooty House and the fratbots. Amy is wearing a long white dress and introduces her parents to Vernon.]
Amy: Dean Vernon, I'd like you to meet my parents, Leo and Inez.
Vernon: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Wong, I'm so glad we could admit Amy in exchange for your generous contribution.
Mr. Wong: How much more for Phi Beta Kappa?
Vernon: How much you got?
[Fry scoops up some hors d'evours from the buffet and shovels them in his mouth. Guenter sidles up beside him.]
Guenter: Sorry I'm late, I was off at a study session ... with Chrissy!
[Fry carries on chewing and narrows his eyes at Guenter.]
Farnsworth: Oh, I'm glad you made it, Guenter because in honour of parents weekend I have a special surprise for you.
[He pulls a purple sheet off a cage. There are two monkeys inside.]
Guenter: [horrified] Mom? Dad? What are you doing here? [The monkeys start jumping around and shaking the cage bars. The other guests stare and Guenter covers his eyes.] This is so humiliating.
[Fry throws some bananas into the cage.]
Fry: Now these monkeys I like! [The monkeys chomp the bananas and jump around again.] What's that? You wanna come out?
[He unlocks the cage.]
Guenter: No! Stop!
[The cage door falls open and the monkeys run out. One jumps into the punch bowl and splashes around and another jumps onto a snooty boy and knocks him over. The other guests run away.]
Chet: I say.
[Fry, Leela and Farnsworth duck.]
Farnsworth: What's that they're flinging at us?
Guenter: Oh, dear Lord! All over the dean!
[He covers his face.]
Fry: Hey, uh, Guenter? Why don't you get up on the chandelier with your parents and I'll take a picture?
[Guenter's parents swing around on the chandelier. He groans and runs out.]
Bender: Well, looks like the party's winding down. Let's take a road trip to Tijuana and get Fatbot some action.
[Oily and Gearshift high-five.]
Fatbot: It's my first time, I'm really nervous.
[He eats the portrait of Vernon. Vernon wipes his face and sees.]
Vernon: [shouting] Robot House!
[Scene: Financial Aid Dorm Corridor. Fry and Leela stand outside Fry's and Guenter's room.]
Leela: What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today.
Fry: You mean peer pressure?
[Cut to: Financial Aid Dorm: Fry's and Guenter's Room. Fry opens the door. The room is dark and Guenter's shadow is cast onto the wall. He is holding something and points it at Fry and Leela. Fry gasps and hides behind Leela.]
Fry: Look out! He's got a gun!
[Leela turns the light on. Guenter is sat in the corner of the room surrounded by banana skins. The thing he is holding is another banana.]
Guenter: [crying] Leave me alone.
Leela: Hey, what's going on? I thought you didn't like bananas.
Guenter: [crying] Of course I do. I try so hard to fit in but seeing my parents act like that made me realise I'm just a primitive beast.
[He sobs.]
Fry: Hey, hey, cheer up. Not everyone turns out like their parents. I mean, look at me. My folks were honest, hard-working people.
[He snorts.]
Leela: Besides, Guenter, you're not like other monkeys. You've got the hat.
Guenter: [crying] So what? I mean, sure, it looks cool and it makes me smart but it doesn't make me happy.
[He sobs some more.]
Leela: That's so sad. I didn't even know monkeys could cry.
Guenter: [crying] They can't. It's all the hat.
[And some more. Fry puts his hand on his shoulder.]
Fry: Look, Guenter, if you're so miserable here, maybe you should just go back to the jungle.
Guenter: The jungle. But I couldn't do that to the Professor. I'm his prize experiment, and he's like a father to me.
Leela: But he's not your father. That guy in the punch bowl was your father.
[Fry spits out a mouthful of punch.]
[Scene: Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. "Test Today" flashes on the board and Guenter scribbles away, hard at work. Farnsworth stands at the front with the teacher.]
Farnsworth: Look at him. I'm so proud.
Fry: Thanks, Professor!
Farnsworth: Not you.
[He presses the electrocution button and Fry screams.]
Fry: [screaming] Ow!
[Guenter looks up from his paper and sighs. He has drawn bananas all over his paper. Fry leans over and takes a peek at Guenter's paper and scribbles a crude banana on his paper. He chuckles. Guenter stares out of the window at the jungle. He shakes his head and tries to concentrate. Farnsworth watches him and smiles. Guenter looks back and forth through the window and at Farnsworth, starts hyperventilating and finally cracks. He snaps his pencil and screams. He throws off his hat, makes monkey noises and jumps through a window.]
Student: Hey!
[Guenter runs off the campus and into the jungle and Farnsworth hangs his head.]
Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why? Why? Why didn't I break his legs?
[Scene: Financial Aid Dorm: Fry's and Guenter's Room. Farnsworth stares at a photo of him and Guenter on a log flume ride. He strokes the picture.]
Farnsworth: [crying] Oh, poor Guenter.
Leela: So he just ran away in the middle of the exam?
[Farnsworth sniffs.]
Farnsworth: I'm afraid so. All he handed in was a paper smeared with faeces. He tied with Fry.
Fry: I guess he realised I was right when I told him to go back to the jungle.
Farnsworth: You what? After I spent months slaving over a hot monkey brain?
Fry: Hey, don't blame me. You tried to force Guenter to be a human but he's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment!
Farnsworth: But Guenter's obviously better off being intelligent. Tell him, Leela.
Leela: Nuh-uh, I'm staying out of this. Now here's my opinion: What we should do is...
[She leans in and whispers something to them.]
Farnsworth: What?
Leela: I said we'll go to the jungle and let Guenter decide once and for all.
Farnsworth: What?
[Scene: Mars Surface. There is a Big Fraternity Raft Regatta and crowds have turned out to watch. The fratbots pull their dilapidated raft into the river alongside other frats.]
Vernon: You all know the rules. Whichever house wins the regatta becomes head of the Greek Council. And should that house currently be on any type of multiple secret probation, it will be lifted and I will be forced to serve as Grand Marshal of a parade honouring them.
[The SS Von Snoot pulls up alongside Bender's raft.]
Chet: I say, Robot House, your water craft is as ill-designed as you yourselves.
Meiderneyer: Good one, Chet!
[They laugh, chink their glasses and gulp down their champagne.]
Bender: Oh, yeah? Watch this!
[He rips the top of a keg off, downs the whole thing and belches a huge flame. He crushes the keg against his head and the Snootys stare.]
Chet: Well, I never!
Vernon: Fraternities, on your marks.
[He fires the starting gun at the fratbots' boat and it starts to deflate. The SS Von Snoot sails off.]
Bender: Hey!
[Scene: Mars Jungle. Leela cuts through some thicket and Farnsworth and Fry follow.]
Fry: Wow! The jungles on Mars look just like the jungles on Earth.
Farnsworth: Jungles? On Earth?
[He laughs. Leela points up a tree.]
Leela: I see some movement up there. I think it's him.
Farnsworth: Stand back.
[He pulls a pin from a grenade and throws it into the bushes. It explodes and a purple gas envelopes the tree. Three toucans, two parrots, a frog, a lizard, a snake and tiger fall out of it flat on their backs.]
Leela: Oops.
Farnsworth: Don't worry. They'll be fine once the tranquiliser wears off.
[They walk on and don't notice a huge elephant fall from the tree and flatten the other creatures.]
[Time Lapse. The trio peer through some leaves.]
Fry: There's our man!
[They watch Guenter sitting on a rock looking at his reflection in a river.]
Leela: Professor, you'll offer Guenter the hat and, Fry, you'll offer him the banana. [She holds out the hat and banana and they take them.] We'll let him choose whether he wants to be intelligent or just a mindless animal.
[Fry chombles on the banana. Leela gives him a stern look and hands him a new one. Guenter scratches himself and sees them.]
Farnsworth: Come on, Guenter, take the hat.
Fry: No, the banana, the banana!
Farnsworth: Consider the philosophical and metaphysical ramifications of the--
Fry: Banana, banana, banana!
Leela: Wait, what's that sound?
[They hear a motorboat get closer and closer. It's the fratbots. Bender water-skis behind the repaired raft.]
Gearshift: [shouting] Hey, Bender, you sure this is a short-cut?
Bender: [shouting] Not as sure as I was an hour ago!
[The raft zooms past Leela, Fry and Farnsworth and Bender's water-skis create a wave that washes over the them and drags them into the river. The current catches them and they scream. Downriver, the fratbots come to a huge waterfall. They scream and go over the edge. They hit some rocks at the bottom and disappear underwater. The SS Von Snoot sails past towards the finish line.]
Vernon: And the winner is ... [The fratbots appear and walk across the finish line with their raft draped around them.] ... Robot House?
[The Snooty boys suddenly fall out of their boat. Leela, Fry and Farnsworth are still heading for the waterfall. They grab onto a log.]
Farnsworth: Oh, dear Lord!
Leela: No! No!
[The log wedges itself behind a rock in the middle of the river and they stop floating towards the waterfall. They breathe a sigh of relief.]
Farnsworth: Thank God this log is sturdy. [He pats it and a bit breaks off and plunges over the edge. On the riverbank, Guenter finds the hat and banana and sniffs them both.] [shouting] Put on the hat, Guenter! You're the only one who can save us! [Guenter puts the banana on his head and tries to eat the hat.] [muttering] Stupid monkey.
[Guenter puts the hat on his knee.]
Fry: [shouting] No.
Leela: [shouting] Not there.
Farnsworth: [shouting] Keep trying.
[He puts it on his butt and Fry chuckles. Finally he puts it on his head.]
Guenter: Eureka! The hat goes on the head. It's all so obvious now!
[The log starts to move.]
Leela: [shouting] Help us, Guenter!
Guenter: Oh, my goodness. [shouting] Hang on. I need to do some calculations. [He picks up the banana and draws some diagrams in the soft mud.] Got it! [He ties some vines around another log and pushes it into the river. He jumps onto it, floats down the river and throws the vine over an overhead branch. The other end dangles near the others.] Grab on!
[They do and Guenter tumbles over the edge, pulling them upwards. The vine ties itself around them and a branch.]]
Farnsworth: We're saved!
Fry: 'Preciate it, Guenter!
[Guenter holds onto the vine as he dangles halfway down the waterfall. The vine starts to break and he whimpers.]
Leela: Oh, no! Hurry, Guenter, climb up the vine. You can still save yourself.
Guenter: Why bother? I've got nothing to live for. I was miserable as a genius, and as a monkey, I was so dumb I tried to wear a hat on my butt. [Fry chuckles.] [sadly] There's just no place for me in this world. [normal] Although, on the other hand--
[The vine snaps and he screams as he plummets towards the bottom. Farnsworth, Fry and Leela watch him. He hits the water below.]
Farnsworth: Oh, that poor, sweet monkey. Well, let's go gather him up. There's no sense letting him go to waste.
[He licks his lips.]
[Time Lapse. They reach the foot of the waterfall and find Guenter still alive. His hat is bashed though.]
Fry: Guenter! You're alive!
Guenter: I guess the hat must have broke my fall.
[Farnsworth opens up the hat.]
Farnsworth: It seems to be working at only half-capacity, but I can fix it.
Guenter: No, wait! I like it like this. I actually feel sort of happy.
Farnsworth: But what about your super-intelligence?
Guenter: When I had that there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school!
Farnsworth: [screaming] Nooo!
[Scene: Mars University Campus. Dean Vernon keeps his word and reluctantly heads the parade honouring the robots of ERR. Fatbot stands at the front of the float and waves to everyone. Farnsworth and Amy are on the float as well. Guenter leaps on and Farnsworth pats him on the head.]
Bender: [shouting] Come on, everyone! Big party in Robot House!
[The students cheer and dance to Lloyd Williams' Shout. As they dance Animal House-esque subtitles appear under the main characters. "Fry Dropped Out Successfully And Returned To His Dead-End Delivery Job" appears under Fry; "Guenter Got His MBA And Became President Of The Fox Network" appears under Guenter; "Fatbot Caught A Computer Virus In Tijuana And Had To Be Rebooted" under Fatbot; "Leela Went On One Date With Dean Vernon, But He Never Called Again" under Leela and Vernon; "His Job Done, Bender Stole Everything Of Value From Robot House And Ran Off" under Bender.]
[Closing Credits.]


[Scene: The ship flies towards Earth, towards the Planet Express building. The landing gear comes down and the ship lands.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The crew walk out. Their hair is ruffled, their clothes are torn and dirty.]
Leela: That was the worst delivery ever.
Fry: Yeah. I'm never going to another planet called "Cannibalon"!
Bender: Me neither. [upbeat] Food was good, though.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth sits at the table, drinking from a cup. He turns around when the crew walk in.]
Farnsworth: Oh, great news, everyone.
Bender: Shove it! We quit!
Farnsworth: In that case I'll have to hire a new crew to go on our company vacation.
Leela: Vacation?
Bender: Alright!
[He and Fry high-five.]
Fry: This is great! I haven't had time off since I was 21 through 24.
[They sit down.]
Farnsworth: It's just my way of thanking you for not reporting my countless violations of safety and minimum wage laws.
Bender: Aww, you!
[He knocks Farnsworth affectionately on the shoulder.]
Farnsworth: I've booked us all on the maiden voyage of the largest, most luxurious space cruise ship ever built. [He pulls out a brochure.] The Titanic!
[The Titanic is a futuristic space version of the RMS Titanic, with bubble domes and rocket engines. And rings, of course.]
Leela: Looks nice.
[Ominous music. They carry on staring at the brochure ... unaware.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Filmed On Location.]
[Scene: A huge spaceport sits high above the skyline of New New York City. The rotating disc on top indicates it is South Street Spaceport.]
[Cut to: South Street Spaceport Departures. The entire staff emerge from the travel tubes in the departure area which looks similar to that of an airport.]
Fry: Hey, uh, where's my suitcase? [His suitcase flies out from the tube and knocks him over.] Ow!
[Scene: South Street Spaceport. The huge Titanic sits moored to the port and Mayor Poopenmeyer gives a speech.]
Poopenmeyer: As Mayor of New New York, it's my pleasure to introduce the honorary captain for the Titanic's maiden voyage. A man who single-handedly defeated the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula: Zapp Brannigan!
[Zapp walks forward and waves to the crowd. They cheer and applaud.]
Leela: Oh, God! Not Zapp Brannigan!
Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Let's just say we've "crossed paths".
Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?
[Zapp looks at the Titanic.]
Zapp: She's a beautiful ship, alright. Shapely ... seductive. I'm gonna fly her brains out. [The crowd applauds. Zapp holds up his hand and they stop.] And now, without further adieu, I christen this ship, Titanic.
[Kif hands him Leonardo DiCaprio's head in a jar. Zapp smashes it against the side of the ship. DiCaprio's head bounces away. The crowd applauds and cheers.]
[Time Lapse. Passengers board via gangways. Zapp personally welcomes passengers. He sees the Planet Express staff walk up the gangway.]
Zapp: Well, well, well! The Lady Leela. Take notes, Kif. You're about to witness the subtle waltz known as seduction. [Kif sighs. Leela stops as Zapp blocks her way.] So, trapped on a ship with me. What say you and I knock some very sensual boots?
Leela: It's tempting, but, uh, I have a fiancé now. Uh, hmm, uh, hmm, uh, we--, uh ... [She repeatedly looks at Farnsworth, Zoidberg and Fry, makes a quick decision, then pulls Fry forward.] Him! Fry, darling, meet Zapp Brannigan.
Fry: Huh? [Leela hits him.] Ooh! How do you do?
[He shakes Zapp's hand. Zapp narrows his eyes at Fry.]
[Scene: The Titanic leaves port honking its horn to the cheering crowds. It flies away from Earth and off into space.]
[Scene: Titanic First Class Corridor. The crew walk across polished floors and past a grand wooden staircase straight out of the film Titanic. They walk through another corridor.]
Farnsworth: Ah, here's my stateroom.
[He walks in, followed by everyone else. Bender suddenly sees something and stops and purrs. He zooms in on a well-dressed Fembot and she does the same. He zooms in further and his eyes fall out. He scrambles around the floor for them.]
Bender: Come on, where is it?
[He feels around the floor, finds one and puts it back in but the Fembot is gone. He sighs.]
[Scene: Titanic First Class State Room. Everyone, especially Fry, seems settled in in the plush furnishings of the room.]
Farnsworth: Now, Hermes, you and your lovely wife, LaBarbara, have the suite through there. And Dr. Zoidberg, your marble tank is on the other side.
[Fry bounces on a green chair.]
Fry: Man, first class seems nice!
Farnsworth: It'll seem even nicer once you've seen your room.
[He hands Amy a key.]
[Scene: Titanic First Class Deck. Amy, Leela, Bender and Fry stand waiting for the elevator.]
Amy: Looks like we're on the Fiesta Deck.
[The elevator door opens.]
[Cut to: Titanic Elevator. Amy presses a button and the elevator goes down past second class where there are lots of T-shirt wearing tourists with fat children and cameras; past steerage where there are lots of stereotypical Irish people; past laundry which is already filled with clothes; past the bowels of the ship where men shovel coal into furnaces. It stops at the Fiesta deck and the doors opens to a dank, dripping corridor.]
[Scene: Titanic Fiesta Deck Corridor. The staff emerge from the elevator.]
Leela: This is it.
[She opens the door and groans.]
[Cut to: Titanic Fiesta Deck Room. The room a is dank room with leaking pipes and four camp beds along the side.]
Fry: Well at least we get a window!
[He pulls a blind up and is blasted in the face with reactor fumes.]
Bender: Well, I'm tired of this room and everyone in it. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna pop over to the casino for the next 135 hours!
[He leaves.]
Amy: I think I'll go and fill up on bisque at the buffet.
[She closes the door as she leaves.]
Fry: I guess that just leaves you and your fake fianc´ ... all alone ... on a romantic cruise.
[He puts his arm around her.]
Leela: Take it off or I'll break it off.
Fry: OK!
[He takes his arm from around her. Zapp opens the door.]
Zapp: Captain's inspection!
[Leela puts Fry's arm back around her and smiles weakly.]
[Scene: Titanic Casino. Bender is already settled in, standing at a craps table.]
Bender: Hmm. [Through his eyes we see his cheat unit predicting the dice. He chuckles.] I'm bettin' it all! [He empties the chips from his chest cabinet.] Come on, baby needs a new pair of feet!
[He rolls the dice.]
Croupier: Snake eyes.
[He rakes in the chips.]
Bender: No! My cheating unit malfunctioned! You gotta give me a do-over!
Croupier: Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs. Next shooter.
[Bender takes a seat at the bar and sighs.]
Bender: Gimmie you're biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.
[The bartender, iZac, turns around.]
iZac: You got it!
[He fills a bucket. Bender turns around and sees the Fembot from earlier. He gasps and walks over to her.]
Bender: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Bender.
Countess: Charmed. I'm the Countess de la Roca. I was surprised to see another robot staying in first class. Most of the robots I meet are labourers.
Bender: I assure you, I barely know the meaning of the word "labour".
[The Countess laughs.]
Countess: Oh, Mr. Bender!
Bender: Please, call me Bender.
[He kisses her hand.]
Countess: [embarrassed] Oh, goodness. I don't--
[As he kisses her, he reaches around and takes some money from her purse.]
[Scene: Titanic Wheel Room. Zapp stands in front of an old-fashioned sailing wheel. Kif emerges from a washroom.]
Zapp: Kif, I'm feeling the captain's itch.
Kif: I'll get the powder, sir.
Zapp: No, the itch for adventure! Prepare to change course.
Kif: Sir, this is a leisure cruise. Our path was set by the travel agency.
[He presses a button and a map comes down on the wall showing the route is a straight line from Earth to another planet.]
Zapp: That's for schoolgirls! Now here's a route with some chest hair.
[He squiggles a new course onto the map.]
Kif: But that course leads directly through a swarm of comets.
Zapp: Yes, comets! The icebergs of the sky. By jack-knifing from one to the next at breakneck speed we might just get some kind of gravity boost ... or something. [Kif sighs.] It's time to shove a jalapeño up this ships tailpipe. [He grabs the wheel.] Divert power from the shields, full speed ahead!
[Scene: Titanic Buffet. Amy takes a bowlful of bisque.]
Amy: Oh, yeah!
[She turns around, gasps and drops the bowl.]
Mrs. Wong: Amy! Hello!
Amy: Mom? Dad? What are you doing here?
Mr. Wong: We were planning on enjoying a relaxing vacation. But since you're here, we'll have to do some meddling.
Mrs. Wong: We met the nicest boy in the cabin next to ours.
Mr. Wong: He's not very ugly.
Mrs. Wong: You should marry him! Or at least use him to conceive a grandchild for us.
Mr. Wong: There he is at the buffet!
[He points at a large man who leans over the sneeze guard, dips his finger into the bisque and tastes it.]
Amy: Uh, he seems really nice but, well, I already have a boyfriend.
Mrs. Wong: Really? Where is he?
Mr. Wong: And why isn't he here right now fathering our grandchild?
Amy: Uh...
[Scene: Titanic Deck. Fry and Leela stand outside, looking at the stars.]
Leela: Well, our accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here.
Fry: Yeah, it's pretty romantic-- Uh, I mean platonic. Th-That sure is one platonic view!
Leela: Fry, just be quiet. I'm beginning to think this whole fake fiancé thing was a terrible, terrible--
[She turns and gasps, then grabs Fry and kisses him.]
Fry: Hmm? Mmm!
Zapp: Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time but if things don't work out with this pipsqueak here ... [He puts his hand on her shoulder.] ... I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on the rebound.
[He walks away, humming. Leela stops kissing Fry.]
Leela: Uh, look, before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.
Fry: Well, you got anything else for him?
Leela: Alright, can we try not to complicate this?
[Amy and her parents arrive.]
Amy: Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Fry, my boyfriend.
[She kisses him.]
Fry: Hmm? Mmm!
[Time Lapse. Later, the staff relax in swimsuits by the pool. Leela lies on a sunbed wearing a green swimsuit with a hole around the navel. Fry is with Amy.]
Fry: See you later, wuvvums!
[He kisses Amy and she leaves with her parents. He sits on a sunbed next to Leela.]
Leela: It would have been nice if you'd told me you were going out with Amy.
Fry: I'm not going out with Amy. It's just to fool her parents. Hey, you're not jealous, are you?
Leela: What? No. No! Of course not!
Fry: Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.
[Leela grunts.]
[Scene: Countess de la Roca's Room.]
Countess: Mind if I freshen up a bit before we go out?
Bender: I was just about to suggest the same thing. [The Countess giggles then disappears into the bathroom. The sound of a power tool comes from the room. Bender rubs his hands with glee. He rummages through her drawers and sees a bracelet on the table. He picks it up and chuckles.] Pay dirt!
[He is about to put it in his chest cabinet but he hesitates. The Countess is behind him.]
Countess: Lovely, isn't it?
Bender: Yeah. But only 93% as lovely as you.
[He puts it on her wrist.]
Countess: Oh, Bender! Either that was a computing error or you're the most romantic robot I've ever met!
[Bender smirks.]
[Scene: Titanic Casino. Bender watches the Countess play a fruit machine while he sits at the bar.]
Bender: I don't get it, iZac; that bracelet had a diamond the size of a racoon's brain. Why couldn't I steal it?
iZac: It's obvious, Mr. B. You're in love.
Bender: Oh, it's true. But we're star-crossed robots. She, a countess, built with a silver spoon in her mouth. And me, just a regular honest Joe.
[He walks off with the drinks.]
iZac: Hey, you gonna pay for those?
Bender: Hell, no!
[iZac presses something on his body and it beeps.]
iZac: Security to bar area. Security to bar area.
[Two robot security guards rise from the floor and grab Bender.]
Bender: Fellas, please. I'm in love!
iZac: Rough him up!
[The security guards punch Bender. The Countess intervenes.]
Countess: What are you doing?
iZac: This penniless chump was stealing drinks, ma'am.
Countess: I see. Here you are, sir. [She hands iZac some money.] Keep the change.
iZac: You got it!
[The security guards punch Bender a couple more times then go back into the floor. Bender looks away from the Countess, ashamed.]
[Scene: Titanic Deck. The staff, Kif and the fat man limbo. Zoidberg clears the stick.]
Zoidberg: Aha!
[Farnsworth has a go.]
Fry: Go, Professor!
Amy: Lean back more!
[Farnsworth smacks straight into the pole.]
Farnsworth: Ow!
[Hermes and LaBarbara stand away from the game.]
LaBarbara: Come on, Hermes, you could out-limbo all of these people!
Hermes: Don't be a dog heart, woman. You know I can't. Not after what happened.
[Flashback. At the 2980 Olympics, Hermes warms up on the track.]
Announcer: [on loudspeaker] Now limbo-ing for the Earth team, Hermes Conrad.
[As Hermes warms up, a boy in the crowd wearing a Hermes T-shirt shouts.]
Boy: [shouting] You're my hero, Hermes! I'm gonna be just like you!
[He jumps out of the stand and runs towards the limbo stick.]
Hermes: No, boy, stop! It's too low! Your backbone can't take it!
[The boy leans back.]
Boy: I'm just like Hermes! I'm just like--
[His back cracks, the crowd gasps and Hermes winces.]
Hermes: [screaming] Nooo!
[Flashback ends. Hermes cries and LaBarbara pats him on the back.]
LaBarbara: There, there. Now you don't have to limbo if you don't want. It doesn't make you any less of a man.
Farnsworth: Though it did get me some action!
[Hattie hangs onto his arm.]
Hattie: I like a man who's flexible!
[Enter Zapp.]
Zapp: Your attention, please. As captain of this vessel, the terrible burden of naming a limbo contest winner is mine and mine alone.
Kif: Shouldn't you be steering between the comets?
Zapp: And the winner is, Leela!
[The crowd applauds and turns to Leela, who is still sitting on her sunbed.]
Leela: But I didn't even limbo.
Zapp: No matter. I know from personal experience how horizontal you can get. As your reward, you and that hairpile are invited to dine at the captain's table this evening.
[Fry hoots.]
[Time Lapse. Bender and the Countess lean over the rail on the deck.]
Bender: Well, now you know. I'm not actually rich. I'm a fraud. A poor, lazy, sexy fraud. This isn't even a real bow-tie, it's magnetic.
[He takes the bow-tie off and throws it against the wall where it sticks.]
Countess: Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence and your sincerity simulator.
Bender: You do? Really?
[The Countess nods. She and Bender kiss.]
[Montage: In some scenes lifted from Titanic the Countess lies on a sofa naked. Bender's finger makes printer noises as he draws her. He shows her the picture which looks like circuit diagrams. At the bow of the ship, he holds her up at the railings but she is so heavy she ends up breaking his arms off. In the hold they climb into an old hovercar and literally make sparks.]
[Scene: Titanic Buffet. A sign advertises "All You Can Eat Plus A Whole Chicken". Fry, Leela, Farnsworth and Hattie sit with Zapp around the captain's table wearing formal evening wear. Zapp wears a formal off-white DOOP jacket with medals.]
Zapp: I like your style, Fry. You remind me of a young me. Not much younger, mind you. Perhaps even a couple of years older.
Fry: Thank you, sir.
Zapp: As a gentleman, I must warn you. If you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be all over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.
Fry: Well, rest assured, Leela's the only girl for me.
[Enter the Wongs.]
Amy: Hey, Fry.
Leela: Amy!
Amy: Leela!
[Amy has brought her parents. They sit down.]
Zapp: Ah, the family Wong. Our party is complete.
[Fry, Leela and Amy lean in.]
Leela: [whispering] What are we gonna do? Fry can't pretend to be both our boyfriends.
Fry: [whispering] Sure I can. I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show called Three's Company.
[Zapp taps his glass.]
Zapp: I'd like to impose a toast on the happy couple. Down the hatch!
Mrs. Wong: Hear, hear! Now let's have a kiss!
Zapp: Yes, Fry. Plant one on your woman.
Fry: Um, let me think. Come and knock on our door, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh. Uh, Mr. Roper--
[Mr. Wong thumps the table.]
Mr. Wong: What's the hold up? Kiss my daughter already!
Farnsworth: Wait, I'm confused. Now tell me, Fry, which one of these ladies are you involved with?
Fry: Uh...
[He hums the theme to Three's Company again. Enter Kif.]
Kif: Captain, may I have a word with you?
Zapp: No.
Kif: It's an emergency, sir.
Zapp: Come back when it's a catastrophe. [There is a crash and the ship shakes. Zapp reluctantly stands up.] Oh, very well.
[He leaves with Kif.]
Amy: Well, with Zapp gone and my parents still here, I suggest Fry give me a nice, convincing kiss.
Fry: Ah, now there's something we can all enjoy.
[He and Amy kiss. Leela grunts and turns away.]
[Scene: Titanic Wheel Room. The comets outside fly very close to the ship.]
Kif: Sir, remember your course correction?
Zapp: No.
Kif: Well it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we'd initially hoped.
Zapp: Kif, old friend, I don't know which disgusts me more: Your cowardice or your stupidity! We'll simply set a new course for that empty region over there. Near that black-ish hole-ish thing.
[He points at the black-ish hole-ish thing and grins. Kif's jaw drops.]
[Scene: Titanic Deck. Fry emerges from a room. Leela looks over the railing.]
Fry: Hey, Leela, why'd you run off from dinner?
Leela: I didn't run off. I had plenty of time to finish eating and stroll away while you were kissing Amy.
Fry: Oh, look, I'm not actually interested in her if that's what's bothering you.
Leela: Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes.
Fry: I know, we seem like a perfect match, but I just don't feel that way about her.
[The Titanic drifts past a nebula.]
Leela: Nice nebula.
Fry: Yeah.
[They look down at the couples on the decks below and see Hermes and LaBarbara; Bender and the Countess; Mr. and Mrs. Wong; Dr. Zoidberg and a jellyfish alien; Farnsworth and Hattie.]
Leela: Look's like everybody's got somebody. Except me.
Fry: And me.
[They gaze into each other's eyes and lean in to kiss. The ship shakes, Leela loses her balance, head butts Fry and they both fall over.]
Leela: What was that? [She looks over the railings and sees.] Oh, my God! We're heading straight into a black hole.
Fry: Talk about a mood killer!
[Scene: Titanic Wheel Room.]
Zapp: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship.
Kif: Why, that's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
Zapp: No, it's noble of you, Kif! [He tears his captain's patch off.] As of now ... [He puts the patch on Kif.] ... you're in command. Congratulations, captain!
[He leaves and flies past the wheel room in an escape pod. Kif sighs.]
[Scene: Titanic Deck. People run about in a panic. The staff look at a deck plan of the Titanic.]
Leela: OK. We just have to get from here to the escape pods.
["Here" is the front of the ship. The escape pods are located at the back. The map breaks in half and the ship itself begins to tear in half.]
Farnsworth: [shouting] I'm too young to die!
Leela: Come on, before it's too late!
Bender: You all go without me. I'm gonna take one last look around. You know, for, uh, stuff to steal.
Fry: You're going back or the Countess, aren't you?
[Bender pulls Fry aside.]
Bender: [whispering] Alright, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man.
Fry: I'll tell them you went out prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.
Bender: I love you, buddy!
[Bender hugs Fry then runs off.]
[Cut to: Titanic Casino. The fruit machines and tables are overturned, fires burn and there is a huge hole in the middle of the floor. Bender runs in to the room.]
Bender: [shouting] Countess? Countess?
Countess: [shouting] Bender!
[Bender looks around and sees the Countess' hat by the hole. He rushes over and peers into the hole. The Countess is trapped in a burning room. She is huddled in a corner away from the flames.]
Countess: [shouting] I fell through the deck.
Bender: [shouting] Are you hurt, my sweet?
Countess: [shouting] No. Luckily a family broke my fall.
Bender: Just hang on! I'll take care of that fire!
[He grabs a fire hose and jumps through the hole.]
[Cut to: Titanic Room. Bender lands in the middle of the room and sprays the flames with water, extinguishing the fire. He leaves the hose and hugs the Countess.]
Countess: Bender, you risked your life to save me.
Bender: And I'd do it again. And perhaps a third time. But that would be it. [They kiss.] When we kiss, I feel like I'm standing waist-deep in a pool of cold, rising water.
[They both look down and see they are standing waist-deep in a pool of cold, rising water. They scream and shout as it gets closer to their heads.]
[Scene: Titanic Corridor. The staff run around a corner. Fry carries Farnsworth on his back.]
Leela: Hurry! The escape pods should be just ahead!
Hermes: [gasping] Faster!
[There is a crash and the emergency airlock begins to close. The staff run forwards to get under it. Zoidberg dives and wedges his claw under it. It stops moving. Leela tries to lift it.]
Leela: It won't move. And the door release is on the other side.
Fry: Then we're dead meat. No one could squeeze under there!
[Hermes steps forward.]
Hermes: No one, except a legendary limbo champion.
[He tears his tux off, revealing his Earth team vest underneath.]
LaBarbara: Oh, Hermes!
[Hermes leans back and his back creaks.]
Hermes: Ooh! It's been a while. [He leans back and tries to go under the door. His knees hit it.] This one is for that little kid who's limbo-ing up in heaven right now.
[LaBarbara pulls a food trolley in front of her and starts playing a dish cover with some spoons. Hermes squeezes under the door. The others cheer.]
LaBarbara: That's my man, alright, baby, limbo!
Hermes: I still got the moves! Zoidberg, lower the door another inch.
LaBarbara: Just go on through and hit the release, you hot dog!
Hermes: Yes, dear.
[The door slides up. They all cheer and rush through.]
LaBarbara: That's my man!
Amy: Yay, Hermes!
Hermes: Uh, can somebody help me up?
[Scene: Titanic Room. The water rises and completely covers the robots. They stop screaming.]
Countess: Well, now what are we going to do?
Bender: Wait a second. Aren't you a member of the yacht club?
Countess: By God, you're right! I'm a class-3 yacht.
[A propellor comes out from under her. Bender hops on and they rise to the surface.]
[Scene: Titanic Deck. Passengers board the escape pods.]
Farnsworth: Thank God there are plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.
[He takes his hat off and throws his lolly down. He and the others run into the escape pod. Leela and Fry stop outside.]
Leela: We can't leave yet. We've got to wait for Bender. The high gravity must be slowing down his looting.
[Amy's parents walk out onto the deck.]
Mrs. Wong: Amy!
Amy: Mom? Dad? You're alive!
Mr. Wong: Yeah, but so what? The important thing is we found you a new man.
Mrs. Wong: A captain.
Amy: Uh, Mom, I don't-- [Enter Kif.] Hi!
Kif: [sexfully] Hello!
[Kif picks Amy up and carries her to the escape pod. They kiss.]
[Cut to: Escape Pod. The ship begins to twist and distort.]
Farnsworth: I don't feel well!
[His head twists around like a squishy goo.]
[Cut to: Titanic Deck. Fry points at something in space.]
Fry: Look! It's our nebula. Whenever I see it I'll think back to that moment when we almost-- [The nebula is sucked into the black hole.] Never mind!
[Hermes pokes his head out of the escape pod.]
Hermes: Everyone else is off the ship. Where in Babylon is Bender?
Leela: I don't know. But we can't wait any longer.
[She gets into the pod and Fry follows. He looks back at the ship.]
Fry: Goodbye, Bender.
[He closes the hatch. Bender and the Countess run out of the ship panting.]
Bender: [shouting] Wait for us!
[The escape pod lifts off and the airlock between it and the Titanic deck seals. Bender and the Countess leap from the deck, smashing through the glass airlock.]
[Cut to: Outside Escape Pod. Bender and the Countess float towards the pod and Bender reaches out his hand.]
[Cut to: Escape Pod. It rocks as Bender grabs hold. Everyone sits along the length of the pod and Leela steers.]
Leela: Something's wrong. We're two metric tons overweight.
Amy: Well, it's not me!
[Fry looks out of the airlock window.]
Fry: Look!
[Everyone looks out the window to see Bender and the Countess]
[Cut to: Outside Escape Pod. The Titanic creaks and is sucked into the black hole. The escape pod starts to drift back towards it.]
Countess: I'm slipping, Bender. The pull is too strong!
[She slips from Bender's grasp but he grabs on to her bracelet. It's all that holds them together. She screams.]
Bender: I can't live without you. If you let go, I let go!
Countess: No! You have too much to live for. It may hurt for a while but one day you'll share your love again. After all, it's shareware.
Bender: Don't talk like that. Tragic romances always have a happy ending.
[The bracelet snaps and the Countess falls towards the black hole.]
Countess: [shouting] Farewell!
[The black hole sucks her in.]
Bender: [shouting] No!
[Cut to: Escape Pod. Bender walks in and closes the airlock behind him.]
Bender: She's gone.
Leela: But she saved all our lives. Without her, we're light enough to get away.
[Bender slams his head against the airlock and cries.]
Fry: Don't cry, Bender. Nobody really knows what happens in a black hole. It's possible she's still alive in another dimension somewhere. Right, Professor?
Farnsworth: Oh, yes, absolutely! [He turns to Zoidberg.] Not a chance!
[He draws his finger across his neck and mimes being hung.]
Bender: At least I'll always have her bracelet! [He hands it to Hermes.] What do you think it's worth?
[Hermes takes a look at it.]
Hermes: It's fake, mon!
[Bender cries as the pod flies away into space.]
[Closing Credits.]